A STORY OF PIES

This is a story of pies - Thanksgiving pies. For the love of  Gluten, who doesn't like pie?

I love pies, and I committed to baking two of them for the family Thanksgiving feast.

I am a Queen of Pie Crust, but this time I decided to try out a "new" pie crust recipe that involved two things I had never used on pie crust before:  my food processor (always made pie dough by hand with a pastry cutter); and vodka.

Yes, friends, I said "vodka"!

Apparently, water binds the floury bits and the fatty bits, but it can cause the crust to be tough when that gluten stuff forms. I had always solved this problem by making certain I didn't "work" the dough too much.

According to this new recipe I found, you can also solve this problem by making half the moisture (2 tblsps) vodka. The vodka is 60% water which will help bind the ingredients, but it's also 40% ethanol which burns off during cooking - and of course, it's virtually flavorless and colorless. The ethanol part is the part that keeps all that gluten-ey stuff from toughening up.

Hey, I was game, so I tried it.

I'm here to report that the dough was tasty and tender. I'll let you know tomorrow (after we cut and eat the pie) if it was also flaky and good after cooking.

If they taste as good as they look, I think we're in for a treat. :9

Here's what we have:  1) apple pie filing, then with the top crust on, then the finished product; and 2) cherry pie filling, then with the top crust on, then the finished product. That stuff on top is cinnamon/sugar sprinkled on when they came out of the oven all piping hot. Yum!

Now on this happy note, I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving!!

Polla Filia,
J.F.

TWENTY-TWO THINGS I LEARNED THE HARD WAY

These are things I've learned the hard way; and I have lots of personal experience with hard times  - either those that came upon me beyond my control, or those I thrust upon myself. Some of these are things I learned to avoid the latter situation. The rest of them help me cope with the former.

I write these as a reminder to MYSELF! Here we go.

1.    You cannot change people. You can give advice when asked, and/or lend a hand; but, only they can change themselves or their circumstances - OR, as my grandmother used to say "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

2.    Who cares what other people think? This includes relatives and friends (who may or may not be actual friends). What matters is that you are real, true to yourself, that you respect others, and that you have ethics, honor and integrity. Everything else is strictly your own business and not subject to the transitory and subjective opinions of others. Be your own person. March to the beat of your own drummer. Believe in yourself.

3.    Labels are BS - and damaging. This is nothing more than laziness in place of getting to know people, and/or working to truly understand them. Don't label people, or allow them to label you. We are all far more complex than *any* label. This includes name-calling - see #'s 2, 7, 9 and 17 in this list.

4.    Age is a label - get over it. Saying "I'm old" is a useless, negative, self-limiting, complete waste of the time you have here (this includes people in their twenties who I hear saying this). Stop it, already! How many times you've ridden this water-logged rock around the homestar is irrelevant, since everyone's ride is different. Some people make the most of their ride, while others just piss and moan about how many orbits they've made and how "old" they are. In other words, your mileage may vary - and it may vary according to your ATTITUDE!

5.    You were sent here to do something in particular. Whatever it is, it's important - *whatever it is*! Do it. Don't waste the gifts the Big Guy gave you and don't let others judge how you use them; just make yourself useful.

6.    Find the positive perspective in everything. It's there - find it! Sometimes this is difficult; but, it is always beneficial - and the benefit inures mostly to YOU.

7.    Be courteous - especially in dicey situations where you want to tell someone off; or as Mama used to say "never sink to the level of your adversary", or "don't dignify an insult or bad behavior with a response"; or "consider the source." This doesn't mean you have to suck up to someone nasty. It means keep your dignity. Take the high road. Obviously, courtesy in other situations is easy - do that, too.

8.    When dealing with a negative, difficult, unpleasant, or just downright bad person, remember this:  they were an innocent, defenseless baby once. Somebody screwed that up for them. Try to keep that in mind. It doesn't mean they aren't responsible for themselves or their actions. They are. Keep it in mind anyway - for YOUR sake.

9.    Harsh words galvanize others against you, and your objectives. You will not convince others of the error of their ways with haranguing and criticism. I don't care how great the cause, being obnoxious is not the way to champion it. Intelligent, carefully chosen words make it easier for them to change their course as you wish; or, as Grandma used to say: "you can draw more flies with honey than you can with vinegar."

10.    Trends are BS. Instead do what works best for you and if it happens to coincide with a trend, then so be it. Be classy, tasteful, and courteous. First impressions *do* count no matter what trends may dictate. Be a trend setter, not a follower.

11.    All publicity is *not* good publicity, unless you care nothing for your dignity, honor and integrity - in which case you are a prostitute of some kind or another (yes, it's harsh - but, if you are selling your honor cheaply, then I rest my case). The means to an end *does* matter as much as the end itself. There will come a day when your dignity, honor and integrity will matter absolutely. Make sure you still have all of them when that day arrives. It may be they are the only things that will save you in that moment.

12.    Some people are not your friends. Period. Each of us probably has only a small set of people who are true friends. All the others are mere friendly acquaintances. Your true friends will show their mettle by being with you in your struggles and adversity, and not just in your successes. That is the crucible. Heed it!

13.    If you want to keep a confidence, then don't tell *anyone* - not even someone you trust. They also trust someone else, who trusts someone else. Before you know it, 42 people know the confidence you promised to keep. Your word is your bond. Learn to keep your lips ZIPPED. Anything else is ego and foolishness - an attempt to show off what you know. Honor and integrity show better.

14.    Be the friend you want to have, the person you would admire, the hero to whom you would look. Be that person, and you will find yourself in the company of like people.

15.    Life isn't fair and no one owes you a living. Get over it and get busy.

16.    The past is done. Get over that, too. Use what you learned from it, but don't drag it around behind you like worn out luggage. It's heavy and it looks bad.

17.    If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all (Grandma hammered this one home!). When you do open your mouth, be honest - not cruel, rude, or tactless - just honest. Sometimes saying nothing is the only way to be honest without cruelty or rudeness - take heed of that. BTW, this means no lies and/or gossip. Got it?

18.    Don't procrastinate. Get off your rear parts and do it now! Here's Grandma again: "make hay while the sun shines." In other words, later might be too late. It could be raining - you can't make hay then. Do it NOW!
                       
19.    Life is short - remember that in dealing with family, friends - everybody and everything.

20.    Life is long - remember that in dealing with family friends - everybody and everything.

21.    Smile whether you feel like it or not. After a few seconds, you begin to feel it more, and then you ARE smiling - and other people will be, too. You have now started a chain reaction of epic positive proportions; and you have turned your OWN day around.

22.    Everyone has crap days. It will pass. Gut up. Get through it. See #21 above. The only difference between winners and losers is that winners get up when they fall down - and they keep getting up. Every time. Without fail. So, get up already!

I need to tattoo most of these on my forehead, except I don't think I have room. :) So, I'll just read it here and keep reminding myself.

It isn't easy (on the front end) to live this way. It's easier to lie down, wallow in things, give into base behavior, and go nowhere and achieve nothing. Unfortunately, the back end of that is - well, it's the back end of *something*!

It's also lonely, miserable and ultimately the most difficult path a person can choose.

So, I plan to do my best to remember these things, because hard work on the front end brings great rewards down the road.

Polla filia,
J.F.

MERCY MERCY ME

This is for our precious Gulf of Mexico which is being damaged beyond any kind of repair in the next decade - and maybe longer. I won’t say what I think about offshore drilling or BP in particular because none of it is good. The whole situation makes me furious.

I will say that I have been a card-carrying, and very proud member of the Sierra Club for a very long time. There are ways for us to have the fuel we need and grow a robust economy in the process. In fact, the one would create the other quite nicely. We are smart enough to do it. We must do it.

On top of what they have done to our ocean and shorelines, eleven men - ELEVEN - are dead. Their families grief-stricken. May their memory be eternal, and may God bless their loved ones.

My heart also goes out to all the people who live along the Gulf Coast which is being beset by this ecological disaster, and especially to those hard-working people who are losing the livelihoods they have worked so long to build. May God bless you all!

The late and blessed Mr. Marvin Gaye wrote this outstanding tune around 1971. It appeared on his “What’s Going On” album of that year. You can read more about the tune here: Mercy Mercy Me on Wiki

Click on this and you may read the lyrics below while you listen to the Great Mr. Gaye sing his song which is so fitting to our current situation: Mercy Mercy Performed by Mr. Gaye

Mercy Mercy Me

Oh, mercy mercy me
Oh, things ain't what they used to be
No, no

Where did all the blue sky go?
Poison is the wind that blows
From the north, east, south, and sea

Oh, mercy mercy me
Oh, things ain't what they used to be
No, no

Oil wasted on the oceans and upon our seas
Fish full of mercury

Oh, mercy mercy me
Oh, things ain't what they used to be
No, no

Radiation in the ground and in the sky
Animals and birds who live nearby are dying

Oh, mercy mercy me
Oh, things ain't what they used to be

What about this overcrowded land?
How much more abuse from man can you stand?

My sweet Lord
My sweet Lord
My sweet Lord

Polla Filia,
J.F.

BLOG REDUX: BE THE GARDENER

I'm still working on manuscript revisions, so here's another blog redux.

BTW, yes, the roses are actually my garden. Annual pruning coming up in early March. Photos will ensue after the pruning, then we'll contrast that with mid-Spring's lush green canes and thick floral abundance.

How gratifying to take such care, work with such precision, invest so much muscle and sweat, and anticipate such beauty with so much confidence. Ah yes, to make our lives such a garden!

December 26, 2009
BE THE GARDENER

“Out of damp and gloomy days, out of solitude, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us like fungus: one morning they are there, we know not how, and they gaze upon us, morose and gray. Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in him.”

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Attitude is what it is all about.

I have two weeks off of the “day job”. I covet these two weeks. I covet them passionately. I am almost through the first week. I have a bit more than one week left.

I have been working on a project here in my house. I am moving some books around from one room to another and vice versa. It is a re-organization project I have needed to do for a long while. It relates to the office I have in which I do my writing, and it relates to cleaning up another room in the house.

Also, I am going to clean out my bedroom closets when I am done with the book project. Goodwill is going to “inherit” the stuff I get rid of (that is, the stuff which doesn’t go to the trash can).

I was fretting yesterday about knowing these two projects are going to take another three to four days to complete. The projects are eating into the remainder of my two weeks off!

I was getting my knickers into a little twist over it.

Then I took a deep breath. I took a few more deep breaths and said to myself, “Self, you have two brilliant weeks off. They are being used for a good purpose. There will be ample time to play after the projects are done, and you will feel refreshed when they are finished. You will be satisfied to finish them, and it will make the remaining time off all the better. Quit your lame whining and knickers twisting.”

Attitude switch over occurrence. **click**

It is the day after Christmas and yesterday I got quite a lot done, thank you very much. I had my Christmas festivities with the fam yesterday. Then I came home and did some work on the computer, and I worked a bit on my book re-org project. I am very happy I was industrious enough to accomplish a good deal - especially for a holiday.

So, I am going to be the gardener come what may. Out of damp and gloomy days, solitude, and any loveless words directed my way, I will not allow anything to grow like fungus. I will not be the soil of the plants that grow in me. I will instead be the gardener and cultivate something more - more than fungus, more than whatever plants grow of their own accord. I will be the gardener who tends the plot and brings it to beauty.

Click on the photo for a larger view.

So, my friends, let us all Be The Gardener.

Polla Filia,
J.F.

POST HOLIDAY BLUES

I heard it on the evening news.

Monday, January 18th, the bluest day of the year.

This is supposed to be because we have all suddenly awakened from our Holiday Bliss to discover: a) credit card bills from Christmas; and b) back to work responsibilities (collectively hereinafter referred to as “Freaking Sucky Reality”).

Okay, maybe that was a little harsh...

No.

It wasn’t.

I will not retract it. It was good sarcastic legalese (see “See More Here” on the right-hand sidebar, or click on this link, scroll down under “Specialized Training, etc”, read that last line there, and you might understand). :)

Who needs Monday, January 18th?? Crap, I was blue beginning Monday, January 4th, when I had to go back to the “day job”. I have been existing in a seriously blue Post-Holiday Fog ever since. **sigh**

I’m working on it, though. I believe in good attitudes. I believe in making choices about who we want to be, and how we want to feel. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, instantaneous, or without the occasional temporary failure.

I’m in such a state of Temporary Attitude Failure right now.

I’ve tried the chemical boost. No, not drugs (per se). I’m talking about red wine, margaritas (no, not in the same day, and not everyday - and not in excess - well, okay, I had 3 margaritas at one sitting last weekend but I had a heavy TexMex meal and a designated driver), chocolate - dark and milk, mac and cheese... **sigh** Alas, no joy. LITERALLY.

No.

Joy.

I’ve tried making sure I’m getting 8 every single night (hours, not minutes).

I’ve tried the Patchouli/Sweet Orange Bubble Bath Solution. Very nice, but no go.

I’ve been on the indoor bike off and on, but I’ve only done one really hard weight workout after the holidays.

It has become obvious this calls for the following Absolute Guaranteed Cure for the Blues. Here’s the recipe:

1. Put on your workout clothes and socks, dummy (dummy is me, not you).

2. Plug the iPod into the surround sound system and set it on the Absolute Guaranteed Rockin’ Workout Playlist.

3. Turn that mother on and rock that volume up so the walls vibrate just enough to feel it, but not so much it scares the cat (or so the neighbors can hear it - which would have to be pretty loud, because their houses and mine have a reasonable distance between them). Luckily, kitty doesn't scare easily - he's a rocker at heart.

4. Go into the gym (f/k/a one of the spare bedrooms in my house).

5. Slip your mitts into those weight-lifting gloves, put your butt and back on that bench and start pumping some serious freakin’ iron!!!

6. Then rock out some curls, overhead tri extensions, upright rows, bentover rows, etc. - you get the picture.

7. After all that, sit your butt down on that indoor bike and pedal off some serious speed for some serious minutes (like 18 or 19 mph for 45).

8. Finish with a protein recovery drink (a/k/a protein fruit smoothie made in my own blender).

9. Shower - when your legs quit wobbling. :)

10. Kick back in bare feet with an nice, refreshing glass of iced hibiscus tea (unsweetened - I’m a purist when it comes to herb tea).

11. Reflect on how good life really is.

Ahhhhh......

I’m off to fill this prescription, people. Be back soon with a better post and a better attitude.

Polla Filia,
J.F.

THE FRUIT OF THE VINE

The holiday vacation is about to come to an end. **sigh**

It has been a great break - much needed. I have re-grouped and re-prioritized and I am ready to move forward on many goals.

I have some great plans for the new year, and I’m excited about that.

There were a lot of good things I thought about/discovered/decided during this time off. Most of them were big things, and too personal for this blog. I also made some real progress on the next novel, which is very exciting and good news for me.

Symbolic of good discoveries during this time is a bottle of wine I found. Finding it was total chance. I stumbled over it in the wine section of my grocery store! I had a good feeling about it. It has a good price point. I took a chance, and as soon as I un-corked it I knew my small risk had paid off in a big way. It’s a beautiful Zinfandel from Sonoma called Rancho Zabaco. It is smooth and rich and it spoiled me for some other wines I had. That’s how good it is.

I’m hoping that’s a harbinger for how my new year will go. I don’t drink champagne (it gives me a headache), so the Rancho Zabaco is what I drank to ring in my New Year. Maybe the new year will be as nice of a surprise as this new wine. I hope the year goes down just as smoothly - for all of us.

Polla Filia,
J.F.

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON

I am still slogging away at my book project, but wanted to stop and wish everyone a very Happy New Year!

Tonight we will have a "blue" moon to herald our new year. The moon will not be really blue. It is the second moon within one month, and those are typically referred to as "blue". They are rare, hence the phrase "once in a blue moon". The last one we had was in 1990.

For more info on blue moons, you can read this on Wikipedia, or you can go to this article on ABC News.

Also, this is the beginning of a new decade. The last one wasn't so great - globally or personally; but, I'm trying to focus on the good parts and build on those for the new year and decade.

I am reminded of Mr. Dickens who said in "A Tale of Two Cities":

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..."

I think our last decade *was* a bit like that - for me personally, it surely was. Let us grab on to the best of times, the age of wisdom, the epoch of belief, the season of Light and the spring of hope. Let's make those the things we take into our new decade.

Let's make the good parts happen more than once in a blue moon.


Polla Filia,
J.F.

THE GREAT BOOK PROJECT

Well, folks, nothing interesting to post today. Sorry, The Great Book Project continues (and is nearing its end). I am knee deep in book stacks and dust. Now that all the books have been moved, I'm on to the last phase, which is the shelving. I'm going in. Wish me luck. :)

Polla Filia,
J.F.

BE THE GARDENER

“Out of damp and gloomy days, out of solitude, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us like fungus: one morning they are there, we know not how, and they gaze upon us, morose and gray. Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in him.”

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Attitude is what it is all about.

I have two weeks off of the “day job”. I covet these two weeks. I covet them passionately. I am almost through the first week. I have a bit more than one week left.

I have been working on a project here in my house. I am moving some books around from one room to another and vice versa. It is a re-organization project I have needed to do for a long while. It relates to the office I have in which I do my writing, and it relates to cleaning up another room in the house.

Also, I am going to clean out my bedroom closets when I am done with the book project. Goodwill is going to “inherit” the stuff I get rid of (that is, the stuff which doesn’t go to the trash can).

I was fretting yesterday about knowing these two projects are going to take another three to four days to complete. The projects are eating into the remainder of my two weeks off!

I was getting my knickers into a little twist over it.

Then I took a deep breath. I took a few more deep breaths and said to myself, “Self, you have two brilliant weeks off. They are being used for a good purpose. There will be ample time to play after the projects are done, and you will feel refreshed when they are finished. You will be satisfied to finish them, and it will make the remaining time off all the better. Quit your lame whining and knickers twisting.”

Attitude switch over occurrence. **click**

It is the day after Christmas and yesterday I got quite a lot done, thank you very much. I had my Christmas festivities with the fam yesterday. Then I came home and did some work on the computer, and I worked a bit on my book re-org project. I am very happy I was industrious enough to accomplish a good deal - especially for a holiday.

So, I am going to be the gardener come what may. Out of damp and gloomy days, solitude, and any loveless words directed my way, I will not allow anything to grow like fungus. I will not be the soil of the plants that grow in me. I will instead be the gardener and cultivate something more - more than fungus, more than whatever plants grow of their own accord. I will be the gardener who tends the plot and brings it to beauty.


So, my friends, let us all Be The Gardener.

Polla Filia,
J.F.

Merry Christmas

Today has been a great Christmas so far. My niece and nephew loved what they got from their Theia (that's "aunt" in Greek, and that would be me).

I made out like a bandit with bubble bath, Starbuck's card and chocolate. :9 Yahoooo!!

The best part, though, was the time with my family and for all of us to be together.

Kitty is happy, too - he had some yummy catnip.

Hope all of you are having a wonderful Christmas and have a Fabulous 2010!

Polla Filia,
J.F.

REVERIE

“Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it.”

-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I’ve used the above quote before, but for this nothing else seemed so a propos.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I am contemplating the fact that this will be the first one without my mother. She died last December right before Christmas after a lengthy illness. My father died many years ago from a heart attack.

It is odd to approach a holiday as an orphan. Last year at Christmas I was not in any kind of mind to even think about holidays and orphanhood, so fresh was our loss.

This year it weighs heavy; but, I must feel it, and then cast it off. I move on to much, much brighter days, with a renewed energy, and a much better grasp of life. There is more in what I just told you than I could ever write in this one post.

Just remember that life is all in the attitude, and no matter what comes, as dark as it may be, you can always seek the light, and walk toward it, and embrace that way of being. The darkness can only encompass you if you lie down and let it.

I am not lying down. I have walked in a new direction, and I will dance along the way.

So, as Thanksgiving approaches I am focused on all I have, which is far too much to recount - and I am focused on all I know I will have, and achieve. The next chapter is going to be absolutely *Fantastic*!!

Remember:

“Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it.”

-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Indeed, I know it.

Polla Filia,
J.F.

Rainy Days and Happy Endings

Friday and Saturday were absolutely glorious days in Central Texas. Beautiful blue skies, nice breeze, great temperatures.

The heat is gone. The 105-106 degree temperatures we had all summer had dissipated down to the mid-90's. Now, at long last we are in the 70-degree range.

We are also in the midst of what is classified as an extreme drought. Our rain levels have been bad for almost 2 years. Our lakes are all down, with our main lake (the one from which all the other lakes draw water, and the one from which we all draw our water - for drinking, watering the yard, cooking - everything) is way down.

This lake, called Travis, was down 50 feet from its “normal” point. We would be happy if we could get it back up to a “low average”. We had rain off and on for the last month or so, and we were thrilled. Unfortunately, those rains only served to get the parched ground saturated, and to refill some of our aquifers - but, all of it was necessary, and so we *were* thrilled, even if those rains didn’t refill our lakes.

Last week we had a couple of days of some real, soaking rain, and because the ground has had some relief, this rain actually *ran off*! That means it started to refill our lakes. Travis is now up 8 feet!! If we can get 20 more feet in there it will be at its low average.

Now, think about that. We had a couple of days of high volume rain, and it only raised the lake 8 feet. Think of how many days and days of rain it will take to get us back up to just “low average” (20 more feet). Then think how long it will be before we see our “normal” levels again (another 30 feet from there).

I’m telling you this is way worse than any drought I have seen here. It is tied with the worst drought on record, I believe. Drought like this is scary. Crops here have failed (expect cotton clothing, or anything cotton to go up in price, because Texas is the biggest cotton producer). Cattle have died, or been auctioned off before they could get into bad shape (expect the price of beef to go up).

Thank God we live in a country where bottled water, and food can be had at the grocery store (shipped in from other places). We are on water rationing here, and if we lived in an undeveloped country, we would all be starving and in dire straights. It is, therefore, a little scary to see our beautiful Central Texas landscape in this state.

I will not be complaining about rainy days for a long, long time. Even after the drought is relieved, I think I will re-adjust my thinking about what a “bummer” a rainy day can be.

In here I think there is a lesson on the adjustment of thought. How we can look at something we thought was a negative, or something which made us cranky, and turn it around to see how it might be a good thing - or, at the very least, a not-so-bad thing. I’ve been reading some good essays and books on this subject lately, and I’m connecting with it in light of this situation. This summer has made me pause and re-think.

There is such a thing as too much rain - rain which floods and kills. There are also far worse things than rainstorms and droughts. I’m not saying there aren’t terrible things which happen - things which tear you down. I’ve had my share of those things, for sure.

I’m saying the attitude of complaint may need to be modified. I know it does need modification in me. I am going to alter my attitude to something far more positive. It does not mean I will suddenly become stupid happy, grinning in the face of all adversity. It does mean I think there is some better attitude than the attitude of complaint. There is something above it - something more noble which does not involve whining, *or* idiotic grinning. It is a state of mind of much more positive thought.

It’s not a switch to turn on. It requires me to make a decision, and then do what needs to be done to make it stick. I’m more willing to do it - to make it happen - than I ever have been before.

I believe it starts with a memory of how bad things were, and the gratitude for the relief which came, and it builds from there.

On this beautiful, sunny day, with the temperatures so pleasant and the rain returning our landscape to something less severe, I am re-thinking my attitude. I’m going to “make hay” while this sun shines. I’m going to take the relief of this day, and the strength of mind which came with it, and use it to make an adjustment I hope will last into the rainy days, droughts and floods, and anything else which comes along to try and knock me down.

My friends, there is power in this.

Polla Filia,
J.F.

MUDSLIDES, WINE AND THE THREE-DAY RACE WEEKEND, or VARIETY REALLY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE

Today at the “day job” (which unfortunately is more like a “day career” in terms of seriousness - I work in the legal department of a Fortune 50 company) - today is a day I would liken to a mudslide downhill - a very, rocky, bumpy hill with a big gully at the bottom. I had high hopes today would be better than some of them have been lately, but hey, it just didn’t work out quite the way I had envisioned in my mind. Gotta work on that whole “envisioning” thing.

Add to that the fact that I’ve made no real progress tonight on my next novel, and the day was looking like a real washout. **grrrrrrrrrrrr** In the world of a struggling writer, some days are like this. **grrrrrrrrrr again**

Make no mistake, I came home from said sucky work day and had me a sit-down cry. So, I channel surfed until I found Matt Damon kicking some serious butt in Bourne Supremacy and I stopped my pity party long enough to enjoy that view (the view would be Mr. Damon, people). Add a little bike ride in there for my stress-relief, and my anticipation of the upcoming full-body workout at the gym tomorrow, and I was beginning to feel slightly more relaxed and hopeful.

In the end, though, the crummy day was no match for my wine of choice tonight, which is the 2007 Mönchhoff Estate Riesling - served in a proper wine glass (of course) - because we do things right around here at my establishment. Serving perfectly good wine in a cheap glass should be a crime. We should put that in the Texas Penal Code somewhere. ;)

Now that the wine bottle is open, the golden nectar is poured into the appropriate glass, and I’ve had a few sips, I am further mellowed. Edge on the day? What edge? Day? There was a day? Tomorrow? Who cares about tomorrow?

We Greeks have two kinds of time: chronos time, which is time you measure on your watch or calendar; and kairos time, which is the eternal time, the time of the now.

I would be seriously into my kairos time now, baby! Me and my glass of wine are only in the now!

Oh, wait a minute, we can slip into the chronos time for a moment, but only to happily contemplate my upcoming three-day weekend, which involves me being on a plane (first class, thank you), staying at a very fine resort hotel, doing some upscale shopping and visiting some long-time law firm friends of mine Friday night for cocktails, and then I will spend my Saturday night watching IndyCars duke it out at the Texas Motor Speedway. Those things may seem as if they don’t all go together, but hey, I would be a Renaissance chick (or that's my story anyway). I am as at home in the Museum of Modern Art in New York, or the city’s Metropolitan Opera House, as I am at the Mean Eyed Cat in Austin shooting me some pool, and drinking me some brew.

A writer and artist needs a varied palette from which to work. And a girl should be versatile.

Grandpa taught me about some of the finer things in life (like opera), and then Daddy taught me how to play pool, and change a spark plug. :)

There’s something to be said for both worlds. There’s a lot of joy living in both of them all at the same time. This weekend I get to do just that - live in both all at the same time, and experience some joy moments.

I’ll check back in on Monday with a wine update and some racing results. Meanwhile, I’m off to the garden tub for a good soak. ‘Night, y’all!

Polla Filia,
J.F.

FEAR AND DREAMS

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."
Helen Keller

I have a fear of deep water. "Deep" would be defined as any water that, when I’m standing in it, comes up above my shoulders - and I get a little anxiety ridden once it passes my waistline. Yes, I can swim. I took swimming lessons at the "Y" when I was a kid, and I took them again as an adult at one of the Dallas Community Colleges. I swim quite well, in fact - in 3 feet of water. Get me in anything too much deeper and watch the metamorphosis. It’s like an out of body experience. I want to enjoy the water, but some dark mist creeps up and tells me to panic! I’m working on it - and making progress, I might add.

Some fears can be a good thing. They give you a healthy warning when something is not right - like someone following you home in the dark at night and you can "feel" them behind you. That’s a good kind of fear to have.

We all have fears - some are not so healthy. In the past few years, I’ve begun to recognize some stupid and very unhealthy fears I’ve had (beyond my aquaphobia), and I’ve started to shake them off. Something as seemingly mild as worrying far too much about what someone thinks about something I say or do. At some point, you have to find a way to trust yourself.

Sometimes you just have to push through a fear to start to beat it. In fact, there isn’t a better way to beat a fear than to face it. Go toe to toe. Get in that fear’s face. Bring it!

Some years ago, I had no agent and I had never been published (I have now been published once under another name). I had sent query after query after query to one agent after another. I had gotten close several times - but nothing. I had entered a manuscript contest and gotten some real interest from agent judges, and even some big editor judges - but still, nothing concrete.

There was a certain writer’s conference that I heard all about. The conference provided opportunity for pitching and face-to-face meetings with big agents and editors, and lots of writers with whom I could network. A lot of successes came out of that conference. I knew I could sell my work if I could just get 10 minutes of someone’s time. There was only one problem - it was the Maui Writer’s Conference, which is in (you guessed it) Maui.

Wow! Beautiful location, you might say. Wonderful trip to a lovely island to pitch your work. Pitch all day, drink mai tais all night. Awesome! Except for one thing - the largest body of water on the planet stood between me and that conference - the primordial sea - the great Pacific. I was already a nervous flyer (not phobic, but mildly nervous), and I would have to fly across the Pacific. No, I wouldn’t have to be in it (I hoped), but flying over it would be more than nerve-wracking for an aquaphobe like me. How could I do that?

Then I’d have more than my work cut out for me once I got there - cold pitching to folks I met at the conference, and reserved pitch sessions I paid for; but, I believed this was the way to get my work in front of the right people. I knew I had to try.

So, I booked my flight, reserved my room, paid for the conference and did a lot of deep breathing meditation before getting on that plane at LAX. I pulled the shade down on the airplane window and I didn’t look out when we took off. Once we got up to 30,000 feet (or whatever altitude) I discovered something interesting - you can’t tell the difference between the horizon and ocean - it’s all a big blue blur; but, I didn’t look out the window much after that. I watched the movie they had on the plane. I read. I wrote in a journal. It was 5 hours of me diverting myself from the thoughts of what was below me (about 30,000 feet below me).

I made it. The plane landed in Maui, no sweat. I took a little bus to the hotel, checked in, and I studied and practiced my pitch again and again. The next day I was ready. I went at it for 4 days - pitching to agents and editors. There was a lot of nice interest in my book; but, one agent in particular seemed to really "get" my work. I felt a connection with her (which I couldn’t have done through the usual query process). She wanted more pages. A month and a half later, she offered me representation and she’s been my agent ever since.

I flew across the biggest ocean on the planet, because I was determined not to be afraid - of the water, of rejection, of making a complete idiot out of myself in front of strangers, of failure, of anything. There was nothing about that trip that was easy. I was damn near broke from the expense, and I had to face my biggest fear and a lot of my smaller ones, too; but I got an agent - a really good one.

You can do it - whatever it is you dream of - you can do it. Take a deep breath, focus on the goal and don’t think about the depth of that ocean underneath you. The plane will land just fine - no sweat. Never give up on your dreams. If nothing else, you can be proud of your guts and determination. Remember: "Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."

Polla Filia,
J.F.

WHINING ABOUT AGE AND THOSE BLOODY NUMBERS!

“Growin’ up leads to growin’ old, which leads to dyin’, and dyin’ to me don’t sound like it’s all that much fun.”
“Authority Song”
John Mellencamp

The Authority Song is one of my favorites of all time. First, it was written by Rock and Roll Hall of Famer (and IMHO the Poet Laureate of American Rock and Roll), Mr. John Mellencamp. Second, the original recording of it has in it one of the best drummers ever, Kenny Aronoff. Just listen to that drumming - and Mr. Mellencamp’s singing - and the whole band playing. If you can keep still during that, there is something wrong with you - seriously. You must at least be tapping a toe by now. I dance in the living room - but that’s a whole other blog post. :)

The main reason I love this song is for that one line I quoted above. It encapsulates something I’ve felt in myself for a long time, and something I wish other people would embrace. I am disheartened when I hear people bemoaning that they are “old”, as I heard again from someone just recently. Most people who do this kind of whining aren’t old at all - they’ve turned 30, or some nonsense like that. “Oh, my life is over. I’m old.” Insert whining sounds there. “Oh, my life is over. I’ve turned 40.” More whining sounds here. “I’m at death’s door. I’m 50.” Get over it, people. It’s a number. It’s your state of mind. Which means, you can change it!

Are you “old”? Is your health poor? If so, I am sorry to hear that, and I wish you great health. As to attitude, I’ve known people with terminal illnesses who were as full of youthful vigor as anyone, and they maintained it to the end.

Are you in your 80's? I have relatives who are and they not only look young, but they act it, and by dog they don’t moan (read whine) about being “old”. On the contrary, I don’t hear them even mention it. I do hear them laughing and telling a good joke or two.

Why are you old? Is it because you’re obsessed with the numbers on your birth certificate? Really? Do you live by those numbers? Honestly?

I’m an artist and one thing that really disturbs me is “paint by the numbers” kits. I don’t care if you don’t have, or don’t think you have any art talent, don’t do paint by the numbers! For the love of dogs, pick up the brush and paint what you feel. Pick up the charcoal and draw what you want. So, you don’t have art talent, and it will never be hung in the Museum of Modern Art in New York City. So what? Art is about what’s in your soul. It’s not about perfection, or some pompous pseudo-intellectual’s idea of perfection. Nor is it about (dear dog) NUMBERS!! No, I hate paint by the numbers.

Likewise, I hate life by the numbers. If anything is an art form, life is. It’s how you live it that counts. It’s who you are in your heart and mind. There is beauty there, no matter your chronological age. Forget your age. Forget the numbers on your birth certificate. Those numbers only record the number of times you have ridden this water-logged rock around the Homestar!! Really, people - is your ride on this planet the same as everyone else’s? I think not.

If your ride on this gorgeous blue satellite is unique, then why are you tying it to a bloody number? A number that compares you to other people based on whether or not you were born before or after they were?

Are you ready to give up? To live less fully? To feel less alive?

I’m not. I still look up at the sky on a breathtakingly beautiful day and say “Ahhhh. Thank God!” I still listen to the sound of a fall rain, and feel peace and joy for that which nourishes the beautiful landscape. I weep when I hear sad or tragic things. I laugh out loud at a good joke, and it lifts my whole day. I drive down these long, winding Texas roads with the windows down, the wind in my hair and the radio cranked. On a bad day, I smile at people even when I don’t feel like smiling, and when they smile back, I feel good all over and my smile becomes real - all the way down to my bones. I feel it all - as much as I can stand, and then I see if I can feel even deeper. There’s a risk you take in feeling so much - the risk of feeling intense pain, but I’ll take it for the opportunity at full blown joy!

Look, I don’t want to be 17 again. It was miserable. I wasn’t very bright. I treasure my knowledge and the life experiences I’ve had. It’s been a real bonus and blessing to live this long so far (and no, I’m not telling my age - there are too many pinheads out there ready to judge people based on a stupid number); but, as long as I have lived, and as much as I have learned, I won’t live, or define my personality, my choices, my attitude, or anything else, by the numbers on some “official” document. I don’t fit the damn numbers. I can’t explain myself, or how I feel as a comparison to someone else my age, or someone younger or older - chronologically speaking.

So, while I don’t want to be 17 again, and I’m not as young as a 25-year-old, I’m also decidedly not "old". If you want to be “old”, then go ahead, and I’m sorry to hear it; but, I would much rather you left your birth certificate in a box (maybe the State Department cares what it says when they issue a passport, or the IRS when you fill out those awful forms, but, otherwise, who cares?) Leave the documents behind, cherish the knowledge and life experience you hold that is uniquely yours, and go out there and use it for all the good, and LIVE! AND remember these:

“We turn not older with years, but newer every day.”
Emily Dickinson

“There is no end. There is no beginning. There is only the passion of life.”
Federico Fellini

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

“Keep true to the dreams of thy youth.”
Johann Friedrich von Schiller

“May you grow up to be righteous, may you grow up to be true. May you always know the truth and see the lights surrounding you. May you always be courageous, stand upright and be strong. May you stay forever young.”
Bob Dylan

Polla Filia,
J.F.