THE LAST CHRISTMAS

It's Christmastime which makes me think of Daddy.

The other day one of my sisters called and told me that she and her kids had gone out and bought a real Christmas tree. Hallelujah and Amen!

You see, for years they had been using an artificial one. Now, if you have an artificial tree, please don't take offense, but me - I'm a real tree kind of a gal. She was so happy about it, and it smelled so good, and the kids had so much fun at the tree lot helping to pick it out - and all the things which I, too, cherish about a real Christmas tree.

Then we began to reminisce about Daddy and how he used to go with us to the tree lot. Daddy was very particular about picking out the tree. We would take it home and Daddy would make a fresh cut on the bottom and put it in the stand and make sure the water was done just right. Then we decorated that thing with lights and ornaments and tinsel - the works. It was a blast. It was a blast because it was a family activity. We were together.

Then I said "Remember that last Christmas we had? Remember that tree?" Which led to more reminisces and the two of us crying on the phone.

The three of us girls were all moved out of the house and living on our own. I had moved to Dallas and was working in The Big Law Firm. I used to drive home (Austin) from time to time and visit (it's 200 miles and it's The Most Boring Drive in Texas). I drove home every year for Thanksgiving, and then I would come home again for about 3 days at Christmas.

Mama got some hare brained idea that she didn't need to get a big tree and do Christmas with the same flourish anymore (because we girls weren't living at home anymore). Don't know how she came across this idea, but I never liked it. I rolled with it because I didn't live there and she was the one doing the decorating. She started buying these "table top" trees. They were real trees, but they were dinky. It just didn't have the wonder and majesty of our childhood trees.

Mostly, though, there was no family decorating going on. It was just this little tree where she hung some of those lifeless, meaningless, satin colored balls on it. That was it. No lights. The tree ceremony (family time) wasn't there.

One year, not too long after the "table top" tree era began, I had all I could stand and I insisted to my mother that we have a big tree, decorate it with all the lights and ornaments and put up all the other decorations, too. I said I would help with the putting up and the taking down. She wasn't too game for this suggestion. I pushed. My two sisters gave their second and third to the motion, and at last, it carried.

So at Thanksgiving time, we went to the tree lot, Daddy helped us pick it out and put it up. Three of our cousins popped in that night because they were in town, and their mother (my Dad's sister) wanted to drop something by the house. So, there we all were, Mom, Dad, me and my two sisters, my aunt and three cousins. We were all decorating the tree, drinking apple cider and hot chocolate, laughing and talking. It was awesome!

I came back at Christmas and it was so great to see that tree there, and all the other decorations. We were having one of the best Christmases we had in a long time. It wasn't just the tree, of course, it was what putting up that tree had represented for us - our Christmas spirit and the joy of all that wonderful Family Time.

On Christmas day, we opened presents, and later in the day I drove us all down to San Antonio and we went to this cool old historic place in Castroville, and then drove around some more and back to Austin. Daddy loved that driving tour. My grandfather had lived in San Antonio at the end of his life (there were more Greeks down there), and so the driving tour was filled with Daddy's memories of things Granpa said and did.

The day after Christmas I stood in the driveway getting ready to drive back to Big D. I had to be back at work in the sweat shop (that's just law firm life). Daddy asked when I would be back next. I told him maybe in January, but definitely for his birthday (mid-February). He said okay.

He said, with a big smile "Well, it sure was fun!" He'd had a great Christmas, and so had we all. I gave him a big hug and said "It was fun, Daddy." Then I said, "I'll see you next time."

We waved at each other, and I drove away.

Three weeks later my father got out of the shower, had a massive heart attack and died.

That great Christmas was my last Christmas with him.

More importantly, it was his last Christmas - ever.

Thank God we had made it so special. Thank God I was there. Thank God I had that time with him.

Thank God I have no regrets - because you can never unring those bells.

My Grandfather was a Greek from the old country and he said "Family is number one."

My friends, family is everything.

For me, the day after Christmas is always the last day I ever saw my Dad in person. I remember it in a special way every year. I remember what I said to him before I drove away.

"I'll see you next time."

And I will - someday.
                                               
Have a great Family Christmas like it's the last one you'll ever have. Make Christmas like that every year. Hug every single member of your family, because we only have now. We only have today. You don't know when "next time" will be.

Merry Christmas!!!

Polla filia,
J.F.

SYSIPHUS, ENERGY AND THE DREAM

You can have anything you want if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish, if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.
 -- President Abraham Lincoln


I have written many times on this blog how damn hard it is for most writers to make a living and write. Most of us are making a living with a "day job" and writing in our "free time" (yeah, what the hell is free time?). **grumble**

The goal (of course) is to eventually, FINALLY make enough money to jettison the day job and live in the bliss of this writing gig forever and ever, Amen.

That's the Dream.

My day job is intense. It's a high-responsibility job, dealing with serious matters that require all my brain cells to be on it! The hours are not cookie cutter either. If the work isn't finished in 8 - too bad. There are deadlines that must be met and you meet them - period.

So, at nights after I've met all the deadlines for that day, I write. On the weekends, I write. In my sleep I'm probably writing in my subconscious.

When I wake up in the morning it takes everything I have within myself to fire myself up again.

One. More. Time.

Feet swing out of the bed and meet the floor. I take a good deep breath. I say a prayer. Then I will myself to stand and MOVE!

I squeeze in a workout early and then I get the day job done and do it well (after all, it is *my* reputation on the line, irrespective of the fact that it's a "day job").

Then, there's a brief - very brief - break for dinner and I dig in to the writing for whatever evening I have left. At the end of that evening I have to somehow shut all that off and find some sleep - maybe.

Gearing up for that again and again, day after day can be challenging.

No breaks. An occasional dinner with a friend and then back home to write. Run an errand and come home to write. Vacations? Writing time without interference. Holidays? More writing time without interference.

I'm pushing this Dream up a hill as if it were a giant rock and I am Sysiphus; but, unlike Sysiphus I am not letting go of the damn ball so it'll roll back down again. I'm holding onto it for dear life, pushing with all I'm worth until I'm exhausted.

Then I push a little more.

My goal is to get it to the top and plant that sucker.

I stoke up prayers to my Creator on a daily basis. I like to keep that line as open as possible, so He will keep sending all those good vibes my way. Today I was drag-ass tired (as if that were a new occurrence with this sked).

I prayed for one thing this morning, and one thing only. I said "Lord, just give me the energy I need to attack this day and I'll do all the rest. Just jump start me, please. That's all I ask."

I'm back to pushing the rock. I have enough juice now for what's left of this day. I'll keep pushing until I see The Dream in all of its dimensions, proportions, lines, angles, textures, light and colors.

Then I'll pray for just a bit of energy and I'll push a little more. :)

I am relentless in my pursuit of this Dream. Sysiphus ain't got nothin' on me.

Polla filia,
J.F.